Funny Coffee Quotes

Coffee and Obituaries to Start the Day

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older. I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Bill Cosby

Coffee Squeezed From A Sleeve

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

Fred Allen (1894-1956)

Can’t Get the Intern To Make Me A Cup of Coffee

Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser, I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee.

David Letterman

Coffee and Sleep

A morning without gourmet coffee is like sleep.

Anonymous

Coffee and Men Better Rich – Funny Coffee Quotes

Chocolate, men, coffee-some things are better rich.

Anonymous

A Charcoal Fire and the Coffee Boiling

The coffee was boiling over a charcoal fire, and large slices of bread and butter were piled one upon the other like deals in a lumber yard.

Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

Coffee Helpeth Digestion, Says Bacon

The drink that comforteth the brain and heart and helpeth digestion.

Bacon

Espresso Will Keep You Awake Until Noon

Don’t drink espresso in the morning, it will keep you awake until noon.

Anonymous

Coffee Is the Beverage of the People of God

“O coffee, thou displlest the cares of the great: thou bringest back those who wander from the paths of knowledge. Coffee is the beverage of the people of God, and the cordial servants who thirst for wisdom. Every care vanishes when the cup bearer present thee the delicious chalice. It will circulate fleetly through thy veins, and will not rankle there: if thou doubtest this, contemplate the youth and beauty of those who drink it. Coffee is the drink of God’s people, in it is health. Whoever has seen the blissful chalice, will scorn the wine cup. Glorious drink! Thy colour is the seal of purity, and reason proclaims it genuine. Drink with confidence, and regard not the prattle of fools, who condemn with foundation.

Sheikh Abudul Kadir, the son of Mohammed, Treatise on Modern Stimulants (c.1850)

The Five Descending Stages of Coffee

Coffee comes in five descending stages: Coffee, Java, Jamoke, Joe, and Carbon Remover.

Robert A. Heinlein, Glory Road

Coffee When You Are Down On Your Luck

When a man is down on his luck he seems to consume all he can get of coffee and doughnuts.

Robertson Davies

Please Do Not Dilute My Caffeine Stream

Decaf? No, it’s dangerous to dilute my caffeine stream.

Anonymous

Also see: Coffee Quotes – Funny Quotes

Bad Coffee is Better Than No Coffee

I like cappuccino, actually. But even a bad cup of coffee is better than no coffee at all.

David Lynch

Funny Coffee Quotes – The Funniest Quotes About Coffee

The coffee was boiling over a charcoal fire, and large slices of bread and butter were piled one upon the other like deals in a lumber yard.

Charles Dickens

Coffee Brewing Is Rocket Science

Brewing espresso, unlike other methods of brewing coffee IS rocket science!

Knox and Huffaker, Coffee Basics: A Quick and Easy Guide

Take Black Coffee for Fuchsian Functions – Espresso Coffee Guide Funny Coffee Quotes

For fifteen days I struggled to prove that no functions analogous to those I have since called Fuchsian functions could exist; I was then very ignorant. Every day I sat down at my work table where I spent an hour or two; I tried a great number of combinations and arrived at no result. One evening, contrary to my custom, I took black coffee; I could not go to sleep; ideas swarmed up in clouds; I sensed them clashing until, to put it so, a pair would hook together to form a stable combination. By morning I had established the existence of a class of Fuchsian functions, those derived from the hypergeometric series. I had only to write up the results which took me a few hours.

Henri Poincare, Science et Methode

Analyzing the Stain on the Coffee Cup

It is extraordinary how the house and the simplest possessions of someone who has been left become so quickly sordid. Even the stain on the coffee cup seems not coffee but the physical manifestation of one’s inner stain, the fatal blot that from the beginning had marked one for ultimate aloneness.

Coleman Dowell, Mrs. October Was Here (1973)

Drink Coffee At Dawn, Beer After Work

There are those who love to get dirty and fix things. They drink coffee at dawn, beer after work. And those who stay clean, just appreciate things. At breakfast they have milk and juice at night. There are those who do both, they drink tea.

Gary Snyder

Strong, Hot and Black Coffee

Black coffee must be strong and very hot; if strong coffee does not agree with you,  do not drink black coffee. And if you do not drink black coffee, do not drink any coffee at all.

Andre Simon

Funny Coffee Quotes – Smile and Enjoy the Flavors and Aromas

The best gourmet coffee in Europe is Vienna, compared to which all other coffee is fluid poverty.

Anonymous

I Was His Coffee and He Was My Cream

He was my cream, and I was his coffee, and when you poured us together, it was something.

Josephine Baker

He Makes Great Coffee!

He’s a friendly and caring guy whom I really respect for his knowledge of touring, not to mention my favorite brand of coffee is consistently brewed backstage every night.

David Bowie

Coffee Provokes Appetite and Roves Vapours From the Brain!

Moderately drunk, coffee removes vapours from the brain, occasioned by fumes of wine, or other strong liquors; eases pains in the head, prevents sour belchings, and provokes appetite.

England’s Happiness (1699)

Coffee Once Each Week Is Necessary Says Jonathan Swift

The best Maxim I know in this life is, to drink your Coffee when you can, and when you cannot, to be easy without it. While you continue to be splenetic, count upon it I will always preach. Thus much I sympathize with you that I am not cheerful enough to write, for I believe Coffee once a week is necessary to that.

Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

Start Your Day with Some Funny Coffee Quotes

Espresso and Champagne – Italy and France

Espresso is to Italy what champagne is to France.

Anonymous

Drinking Espresso Is An Aesthetic Experience

Espresso consumption is an aesthetic experience,like tasting a vintage wine or admiring a painting. It is a search for beauty and goodness and improving the quality of life. As it offers such subjectively ineffable ‘goodness,’ devoid of defects, the only adequate reaction to it is astonishment – astonishment that can give birth to enthusiasm, and therefore intellectual and spiritual enrichment.

Andrea Illy, Espresso Coffee: The Science of Quality

Sharing Coffee With a Friend

A cup of coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent.

Anonymous

What We Will Do for Great Coffee

An American will go to hell for a bag of premium gourmet coffee.

Anonymous

Coffee Has Extended the Work Day

Coffee has … expand[ed] humanity’s working-day from twelve to a potential twenty-four hours. The tempo, the complexity, the tension of modern life, call for something that can perform the miracle of stimulating brain activity, without evil, habit-forming after-effects

Margaret Meagher, To Think of Coffee (1942)

Dreams of the Rich Coffee Beverage of Home

After a few months’ acquaintance with European ‘coffee’ one’s mind weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich beverage of home, with it’s clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it, is not a mere dream after all, and a thing which never existed.

Mark Twain, A Tramp Abroad (1880)

The Primary Qualities of Brewed Coffee

Black as the devil, hot as hell, pure as an angel, sweet as love.

Charles Maurice de Talleyrand (1754-1838)

Making Coffee Nervous

This guy makes coffee nervous.

Bobby Heenan

Enjoying the Caffeine Through Hypospray

Do you want me to prepare a hypospray, so you can absorb the caffeine more directly?

Neelix, Star Trek: Voyager

You can’t take the milk back from the coffee.

Jamaican proverb

People are kind of like zombies in Hong Kong now-a-days. You don’t see that glow anymore. In terms of colour Hong Kong looks a bit grey. To counter that, I think we should give out free espresso samples to give people more caffeine; triple espresso with Irish cream syrup, iced! People just need to get a bit more wired.

David Wu

Enjoy Your Funny Coffee Quotes

Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank.

Anonymous

Coffee Serves As A Social Binder

Over second and third cups flow matters of high finance, high state, common gossip and low comedy. [Coffee] is a social binder, a warmer of tongues, a soberer of minds, a stimulant of wit, a foiler of sleep if you want it so. From roadside mugs to the classic demi-tasse, it is the perfect democrat.

1949 New York Times

Coffee and Baseball

He’s going after one of baseball’s greatest records. There’s going to be a buzz about everything he does, from getting coffee to going to home plate. What he wants to do is his decision. We’re happy to have him here.

Tyler Walker

Stopping For A Cup of Coffee

Are we sure it is desirable for a man’s spirit not to be at war with itself, or that it is better to be serene and ready to go to dinner than to be excited and unwilling to stop for a cup of coffee, even?

William Saroyan

Coffee As Black As Ink

A very good drink they call Chaube that is almost as black as ink and very good in illness, especially of the stomach. This they drink in the morning early in the open places before everybody, without any fear or regard, out of clay or China cups, as hot as they can, sipping it a little at a time.

Leonhard Rauwolf

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